Just between you and me

Monday, 10 May, 2010

Just between you and me, I’m soooo glad that Mother’s Day is over. I love Mother’s Day for my mother. I can “officially”  tell her how much I love her and miss her, what a great mom she is, and that she’s my all time best friend EVER.

But Mother’s Day for me?  Hmmm, not so much.

When you have two teenage boys that live with their very bitter towards me father and stepmother, you really can’t expect too much. But what is considered “too much”?

Since Mother’s Day is on a Sunday and that’s “my night” to call, I was feeling pretty confident that I’d get a sweet “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!” from my younger son-WS2. (I knew better than to expect anything from my older son who’s almost 19 and thinks he doesn’t need a mother in his life right now. If I had heard from him you would’ve heard me scream with joy from the mountain tops. And I do mean that literally.)

I know that some, ok most…, Sundays I don’t get an answer when I call WS2, but I thought maybe, just maybe, since it was Mother’s Day he’d be sure to answer. I called at my usual scheduled time with no answer (but a very generic voicemail-much different that the personal message I usually hear.)  I called again 15 minutes later and again no answer.

Since it was Mother’s Day and he had missed my call, I just thought for sure that he’d call me back and I’d get to hear his sweet voice on my special day.  My phone didn’t ring. In fact, the only sound I heard was the breaking of my heart.

I don’t know the situation at their house, so I don’t know if it was WS2’s choice not to answer or call back, OR if it was arranged so that he wouldn’t hear my call and then be given a list of things to keep him busy right up until bedtime. (I say this because it has happened before-you know the ol’ clean-your-room-tonight-or-you-can’t-play-tomorrow-oops-now-it’s-time-for-bed routine.)

After I picked myself up and put my big girl panties on, I was reminded of a few things:

First, you can’t control or change people. I don’t want to control or change WS2, I just wish he acted differently sometimes. If it wasn’t his choice to talk to me, then I wish he’d stand up and do whatever it takes to get to me.

And, just because you think things should be a certain way in life, doesn’t mean they will actually turn out that way.  I always thought the boys and I would be close. And I never in a million years thought things would turn out the way they have. But they have turned out this way and now I’m having to accept that this is my reality.

And finally, I have so many people who love and care for me.  Knowing that I have their love and support means the world to me.

Keeping these things in mind has helped me feel better now…. at least until next Mother’s Day!

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

Thursday, 8 April, 2010

I’ve never read the story of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I’ve only heard stories about it.

I’ve never even seen the movie. I’ve only seen pictures of it.

I’ve heard the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” many times but I’m not sure how I learned what it meant. Can I say “I just knew?”

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say:  The work is known for its vivid portrayal of a split personality, split in the sense that within the same person there is both an apparently good and an evil personality each being quite distinct from the other. The novella’s impact is such that it has become a part of the language, with the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” coming to mean a person who is vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next.

Lately I’ve dubbed myself just that. Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

On Easter Sunday, I called WS2 to tell him Happy Easter. Again, and as usual, he didn’t answer the home phone or his cell phone. (If you’re new to my story, there’s some background here and here.) I’m starting to sound like a broken record, right?!  It’s because I keep getting the same ol’, same ol’.

~static…. skip. static…. skip.~

Most people, including me at one time (I hate to admit), think of a non-custodial mother as unfit  because of an addiction, abuse, or psychological problems. I didn’t have my children taken away from me. As boys, they wanted to get to know their father. I didn’t want them to go (Lord knows I struggled with THAT for a long time), but I wanted to give them that opportunity. If I had known that the situation would’ve turned out like it has, I’m not sure if I would’ve let them go. I feel they have been turned against me ever since. How does it happen that one day everything is JUST FINE as in the case of WS1, and the next day I hear “I DON’T TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE”? Do children just stop loving a parent on their own? If you’ve never heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, or PAS, read this.

So one side of me-meet Dr. Jekyll- feels like I should keep trying. I want to keep trying. I don’t want WS2 to ever think that I gave up on him.  I can’t abandon him. What if it’s something beyond his control? If you know me personally, you know that I always give people an “out”, a reason why someone might be acting the way they do.  So I call every Sunday night at my scheduled time. And 99% of the time, I don’t get an answer. But I call anyway. I send gifts for all the occasions-Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, etc. And 100% of the time, I don’t get a ‘thank you’ call.  (Even though that’s not why I send them.) But I send them anyway.

Then a fed up, tired-of-it-all persona walks into my brain-meet Mrs. Hyde. I am sooooo tired. I’m emotionally tired. I’m sick-of-it tired. I’m tired of this one-way relationship. Most days I just feel like I wanna give up. I feel spiteful and think “I’m not going to call him this Sunday!”  I’m tired of WS2 not taking the responsibility to call his mother. He is almost 14 after all!! He knows that I love him with every ounce of my being. He knows that I cherish those phone calls like nothing else in this world. Why is this happening? THIS makes me want to say “Fine. I’m done.”  It all feels like a waste of time anyway. I’m just not getting anywhere. I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, and unfortunately, hopeless.

So there it is. I have choice A or B.  I don’t think I can live with either one.

I’m sure Jekyll will beat my “hyde”.

Reason #63,987,435,275,937 why parenting can suck

Thursday, 11 March, 2010

Because those sweet, precious babies that depend on you for EVERYTHING, suddenly turn into alien teenagers that hardly know you’re alive…. I should just be barely breathing at this point since I’m almost non-existent. ~gasp, choke, choke~

As you know I’ve been having this stupid phone battle with WS2. When we last talked in late January, I had asked him what he wanted to do for Spring Break. He told me he wanted to go to Galveston so we could go to Schlitterbahn. I told him I would make it happen.

About 3 weeks ago I sent an email to BH to verify pick-up times and dates for WS2’s Spring Break with me.  I kept waiting for a response, but never heard anything. So, again, (a little miffed) I sent him another email asking him to please let me know if the dates and times would work or if we needed to work around an activity of WS2’s. I waited again for a response but NOTHING. Now I’m irritated. It’s getting closer to Spring Break and I don’t even know what days he’ll be with me for sure. I call the house although I’m not sure why since “we don’t answer the home phone”. I called BH’s cell but it went straight to voicemail. I called BH’s work but the extensions had changed and I didn’t want to leave a message with someone else for him to call me. Then, and this will tell you how ticked off I was, I called SM’s cell phone. I got her voicemail saying that she was on vacation until March 8th. So I decided I’d wait until March 8th before making travel plans.

I finally got an email on March 6th from BH. He said that he had just gotten my email because he had been out of town. He also said that he would let WS2 and I make our Spring Break plans together when we talked tomorrow night (that would be my regular Sunday night call). I swear I must be psychic. (I do know that I’m really good at reading people and what they say or DON’T say). I told Moma that I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to come visit. Why else would BH say that? Otherwise he would’ve said that the dates were good or that we needed to move it around a day here and there.

So then I had to wait until Sunday night. (I just HATE having to wait for that kinda stuff! You know when someone says “I want to talk to you  later” and it just drives you insane having to wait for a freakin’ E.TERN.I.TY. to find out what they want to talk about.) Anyway, WS2 did answer my call. So I asked him “hey, what’s the deal for Spring Break?”

And he said (this is the part where parenting can suck goat testicles) that he wasn’t coming. Luckily I was mentally prepared for this since I’m a part-time psychic. He told me about all the plans he had with his friends that week. That left me to make a decision. Do I pull the parenting card out and say “no, you’re coming to visit with me in Galveston LIKE YOU SAID YOU WANTED, and LIKE I’VE ALREADY DRIVEN CROSS COUNTRY FOR” or I could let him stay and do the friend thing. Ugh.

As badly as I want him here with me for Spring Break, I do realize that he’s a teenager and wants to have fun with his friends. I can remember being that age and feeling the same way. So, I’m holding on to the mother card for now. I told him to stay and have fun.

That means this year will be an ADULTS ONLY Spring Break. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but an awesome next-best-thing!

I can’t wait til WS2 has kids of his own…… can you say “karma”???

There’s a first time for everything

Friday, 13 November, 2009

For me, it was my first mammogram the other day. The good ol’ BOOB CHECK. Now I don’t want to fend off any of my MAN-ly readers, so I’ll just say that it wasn’t as painful as I had thought and imagined. I guess now is the time to be thankful that I don’t have as much “PAIN” to worry about as some women.

One thing that made it more bearable was the lady doing the… um,handling. Her hands were nice and warm, and we talked a lot. (Hi Mammo-Lady if you’re reading this!!) We discovered that we’re basically living parallel lives, except she has daughters. And she’s been going through it a little longer than I have. I’ve felt very alone in my situation until now. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through this, but it felt soooo-ooooo good, I mean INCREDIBLY comforting to know that someone can understand exactly what I’m going through. She understands that I had to let my boys go so they wouldn’t resent me for not letting them get to know their father. She understands that if I’d said no, that they probably would’ve treated me horribly while having to stay with me. She understands. Yeah, I could definitely see us being friends and giving each other a shoulder to lean on.

This is how similar we are:

We both live in the same dinky country town.

She was miserable in her first marriage.

We both were afraid to divorce thinking the kids would be taken away by their fathers. We thought the only way out was DEATH. Our difference here is that I wished BH dead, while she was wishing herself dead. I really hate that she felt that way.

Her daughter hasn’t spoken to her in over five years, my son hasn’t spoken to me in two. I feel so bad to say that her daughter didn’t include or invite her to her wedding. That’s one of my fears, that I’ll never dance with my son at his wedding.

We feel that our estranged children have been brainwashed influenced negatively by their father.

We have a great relationship with our other child, and we’re so thankful for that.

Our 2nd husbands are God sends!! We love them infinitely. And by the way, her hubby is very TYPE A too! Ha!

We both have dogs (and I have a cat) that we love and that love us every day, all day long and save us from going insane. Pets are the best!

We both keep taking one day at a time.

We know there’s such a thing as HOPE. We live and breathe HOPE.

She gave me a compliment that left me speechless. (Can you believe that??) She said “You’ve made a huge sacrifice for your boys. That is such a great thing.”

Even though it doesn’t feel great, it was the first time I understood what that meant. I understood because I saw her as a reflection of me. I look at her and I admire her for all she does and for all that she’s gone through. I see that she’s made a sacrifice for her children. For her to say that about me left me feeling very uplifted . Maybe I’m not so bad after all…..

And THAT is such a great thing.

college? really??

Thursday, 8 October, 2009

My oldest son just started his freshman year of college. MY son is in college?? My. SON. is. in. COLLEGE, YALL. With every momentous occasion, I feel older and older, but college? It just doesn’t sound right. I remember thinking when I was younger that people in their 40’s were old. Now I’m in my 40’s…. just not right.

A few nights ago, Hubby and I were having a business dinner with a sales rep and his wife (they paid by the way, since he’s hoping to get Hubby’s business). When she asked if we had children, I said I had two boys.

What a coincidence! She had two boys too!! Yea! Ages 3 and 5 MONTHS. Yea again! Butterflies and glittery pixies were flying everywhere! Wait, maybe that was the beer… whatever.

Then she asked me “how old are YOUR boys??” When I said 18 and 13 years, she paused and I instantly saw her internal calculator going beserk-o. Numbers were popping out of her eyeballs, flying out of her ears, and running out of her nose. I think I even saw one spinning out of her mouth. So, rather than let her think I was FOURTEEN when I got pregnant, I dished about my age. Hubby said “oh, you pulled out the age card, huh?”

Um, yeah. I did. She forced my hand.

She replied very kindly (or was it her chardonnay talking?) and said that I didn’t look old enough to have a son in college. What a really kick-ass (or wine-y) thing for her to say! Either way it was really cool. Even so, I felt old just sitting next to her. So experienced. Then she asked me for my best boy-raising advice. HA!! Me?? (who does she think I am, The Nanny?)

So my neurotic brain started scrambling for an answer…. what would my best advice be? Oh my gosh, I had to think quick! I mean, what advice do you give to someone when the mothering job you did ended with your kids wanting to go live with their dad, and that you only had hands-on parenting for half of their childhood? I didn’t feel like the mother to have been asked such a thing, considering this college age son of my mine WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME, and the younger one is so busy with sports and his friends that we don’t even have much time to hang out on the phone. Once another mother knows your freakin’ drama, how can you expect her to take your advice seriously? I mean, seriously?!!? Especially when you feel your advice sucks. As in goat testicles. She just had nooooo idea what was going on in my life, and of course, I wasn’t about to explain ALL THAT.

Thank God, the guys started laughing and interrupted our conversation, never to be talked about again. Whew! Saved again… See, I told you my hubby was my Knight In Shining Armor!! (He didn’t even know he saved me at the time. That’s just how awesome his knightly skills really are.)

Being a mother is the best and worst job EVER. Right now it’s in one of the ‘WORST’ stages. So yes, some days I feel old, beat down, ready for the glue factory. You know, like those smelly, fly infested carnival ponies that you can ride around on for a couple or three circles.

(By the way, I generally have really good, even great days. Most of the credit goes to my Hubby. Love you honey!)

Since I’m more experienced, I know that sweet, cute, dimply, fresh-out-of-the-bath smelling babies turn into mean, hormone-raging, selfish, smelly teenagers. (If God had given us teenagers first, I don’t think any of us would have more than one.)

So I guess my advice would be to love your children unconditionally-you’ll need it for whatever’s around the corner!

Just curious, what’s YOUR best motherly advice?

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