For months I’ve been dealing with the lack of communication between WS2 and I. It has been really difficult to go through.

A few Friday’s ago, I sent BH an email letting him know that I wanted to set up dates for WS2’s summer visit with me. He wrote me back saying that he would let WS2 and I discuss it like we did before with Spring Break. I told him that I have been trying to call and all I get is voicemail and no returned calls. BH said he would tell WS2 to call me again.

Well, WS2 called me about 10 minutes after that email. He called from BH’s cell but only called my home phone. But I wasn’t at home, dontchaknow. I’m still trying to figure out why he didn’t call my cell when he didn’t get an answer at home….. (my guess is that BH was fishing for info to see if I was at home in NY or in TX since he said he didn’t “have good numbers for me”. I let him know that none of my numbers have changed.)

Anyway, BH emailed me back right away to say that WS2 had just tried to call but there was no answer. I told him I wasn’t at home and would he have WS2 call me on my cell. BH emailed me back saying that WS2 was already gone to “a previous engagement”. WTF?? I’m not allowed to know where my son is?

That following Sunday night I called WS2 thinking that SURELY he would answer since he had just tried to call me that Friday before. I thought this was logical reasoning since he knows I call every Sunday night at 8:30.

You guessed it. He didn’t answer.

That’s when I made my decision.

I can’t keep putting myself through this anymore. I need a break from this and the break starts now. I decided I’m not calling him for a while. And if that means that he doesn’t come for a visit this summer, then so be it. He knows that I call, and he knows that I want to make plans for his visit. If he can’t have the decency to answer or call me back, then it’s not going to happen. I want off this emotional roller coaster for a while.

Why should I be treated this way? If this were anybody else, I wouldn’t put up with it. Why should he get away with it just because he’s my son? Why should I subject myself to this form of treatment?

So I’m taking a break from calling WS2 on Sunday nights.

I know there will be people who don’t agree with my decision to do this, but I’m just. so. tired. I can’t handle another week of this right now. I won’t stop calling all together, I just need to take some time away from it. Like I told my mom, I’m putting it on the shelf for a while.

How about you? Have you ever had a one-sided relationship with anyone? And didn’t it totally SUCK? What did you do about it?

Dear Diary,

Yet another Sunday has gone by without talking to my younger son, WS2. It just kills me that his father doesn’t have him available to answer the phone at the scheduled time since it’s court ordered.

Can I just say how annoying this is?? Like, one of the most annoying things ever…

I just don’t know what to make of it anymore. I feel that going back to court would be a huge waste of energy, effort, time, and money. It would take a huge emotional toll on WS2, and I certainly don’t want to make things any worse than what I’ve already decided they are. It would definitely send me careening down a hill on my emotional roller coaster too.

And whether I like it or not, I have to face reality. WS2 is old enough to decide if he wants to talk to me or not. But that’s where I get all caught up in my emotional craziness.

My brain lives at Six Flags, dontchaknow.

I still think that WS2 is intimidated or scared to show concern or love for me at his father’s house and it’s just “easier” for him if he doesn’t. (I’m reminded of the 4 times-that I personally know about anyway-that my oldest son, WS1, was told by his father that he was “going to sign him over” to me and “not be his father anymore” because WS1 wasn’t showing him enough love. Hubby and I got to witness the emotional trauma of WS1 feeling like he wasn’t loved by his father. His father, BH, would call him back the next day and say he didn’t mean it, that he was just mad at ME. Umm, yeah.)

On top of that, for some reason I get this gut feeling that something’s not right at their house. I have a feeling that something’s going on between BH and his wife, SM. The last couple of Sunday’s that I’ve called, SM’s cheerful voice isn’t on the voicemail anymore-it’s just a generic greeting. Also, SM loves to send my mother roses for Mother’s Day from the boys. (My mom feels bad that she gets them and I don’t, but I’ve told her that it doesn’t bother me and that I’m glad that she’s getting them. I feel it’s SM’s way of snubbing me.) Anyway, no roses for her this past Mother’s Day. My gut is usually right most of the time, generally speaking. But, THANK GOD it’s been wrong before!! (Right, MIL??!!?)

I’m just. so. tired. of this. Sometimes I think I’d rather hear WS2 just say that he doesn’t want to talk to me-NOT REALLY-but just so I’d know where I stand. Then every Sunday night I wouldn’t be wondering if he’s going to answer or not, and then I wouldn’t be disappointed when he doesn’t.

My next hurdle is scheduling summer visitation.

Wish me luck with that……

Just between you and me, I’m soooo glad that Mother’s Day is over. I love Mother’s Day for my mother. I can “officially”  tell her how much I love her and miss her, what a great mom she is, and that she’s my all time best friend EVER.

But Mother’s Day for me?  Hmmm, not so much.

When you have two teenage boys that live with their very bitter towards me father and stepmother, you really can’t expect too much. But what is considered “too much”?

Since Mother’s Day is on a Sunday and that’s “my night” to call, I was feeling pretty confident that I’d get a sweet “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!” from my younger son-WS2. (I knew better than to expect anything from my older son who’s almost 19 and thinks he doesn’t need a mother in his life right now. If I had heard from him you would’ve heard me scream with joy from the mountain tops. And I do mean that literally.)

I know that some, ok most…, Sundays I don’t get an answer when I call WS2, but I thought maybe, just maybe, since it was Mother’s Day he’d be sure to answer. I called at my usual scheduled time with no answer (but a very generic voicemail-much different that the personal message I usually hear.)  I called again 15 minutes later and again no answer.

Since it was Mother’s Day and he had missed my call, I just thought for sure that he’d call me back and I’d get to hear his sweet voice on my special day.  My phone didn’t ring. In fact, the only sound I heard was the breaking of my heart.

I don’t know the situation at their house, so I don’t know if it was WS2’s choice not to answer or call back, OR if it was arranged so that he wouldn’t hear my call and then be given a list of things to keep him busy right up until bedtime. (I say this because it has happened before-you know the ol’ clean-your-room-tonight-or-you-can’t-play-tomorrow-oops-now-it’s-time-for-bed routine.)

After I picked myself up and put my big girl panties on, I was reminded of a few things:

First, you can’t control or change people. I don’t want to control or change WS2, I just wish he acted differently sometimes. If it wasn’t his choice to talk to me, then I wish he’d stand up and do whatever it takes to get to me.

And, just because you think things should be a certain way in life, doesn’t mean they will actually turn out that way.  I always thought the boys and I would be close. And I never in a million years thought things would turn out the way they have. But they have turned out this way and now I’m having to accept that this is my reality.

And finally, I have so many people who love and care for me.  Knowing that I have their love and support means the world to me.

Keeping these things in mind has helped me feel better now…. at least until next Mother’s Day!

I’ve never read the story of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I’ve only heard stories about it.

I’ve never even seen the movie. I’ve only seen pictures of it.

I’ve heard the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” many times but I’m not sure how I learned what it meant. Can I say “I just knew?”

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say:  The work is known for its vivid portrayal of a split personality, split in the sense that within the same person there is both an apparently good and an evil personality each being quite distinct from the other. The novella’s impact is such that it has become a part of the language, with the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” coming to mean a person who is vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next.

Lately I’ve dubbed myself just that. Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

On Easter Sunday, I called WS2 to tell him Happy Easter. Again, and as usual, he didn’t answer the home phone or his cell phone. (If you’re new to my story, there’s some background here and here.) I’m starting to sound like a broken record, right?!  It’s because I keep getting the same ol’, same ol’.

~static…. skip. static…. skip.~

Most people, including me at one time (I hate to admit), think of a non-custodial mother as unfit  because of an addiction, abuse, or psychological problems. I didn’t have my children taken away from me. As boys, they wanted to get to know their father. I didn’t want them to go (Lord knows I struggled with THAT for a long time), but I wanted to give them that opportunity. If I had known that the situation would’ve turned out like it has, I’m not sure if I would’ve let them go. I feel they have been turned against me ever since. How does it happen that one day everything is JUST FINE as in the case of WS1, and the next day I hear “I DON’T TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE”? Do children just stop loving a parent on their own? If you’ve never heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, or PAS, read this.

So one side of me-meet Dr. Jekyll- feels like I should keep trying. I want to keep trying. I don’t want WS2 to ever think that I gave up on him.  I can’t abandon him. What if it’s something beyond his control? If you know me personally, you know that I always give people an “out”, a reason why someone might be acting the way they do.  So I call every Sunday night at my scheduled time. And 99% of the time, I don’t get an answer. But I call anyway. I send gifts for all the occasions-Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, etc. And 100% of the time, I don’t get a ‘thank you’ call.  (Even though that’s not why I send them.) But I send them anyway.

Then a fed up, tired-of-it-all persona walks into my brain-meet Mrs. Hyde. I am sooooo tired. I’m emotionally tired. I’m sick-of-it tired. I’m tired of this one-way relationship. Most days I just feel like I wanna give up. I feel spiteful and think “I’m not going to call him this Sunday!”  I’m tired of WS2 not taking the responsibility to call his mother. He is almost 14 after all!! He knows that I love him with every ounce of my being. He knows that I cherish those phone calls like nothing else in this world. Why is this happening? THIS makes me want to say “Fine. I’m done.”  It all feels like a waste of time anyway. I’m just not getting anywhere. I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, and unfortunately, hopeless.

So there it is. I have choice A or B.  I don’t think I can live with either one.

I’m sure Jekyll will beat my “hyde”.

Because those sweet, precious babies that depend on you for EVERYTHING, suddenly turn into alien teenagers that hardly know you’re alive…. I should just be barely breathing at this point since I’m almost non-existent. ~gasp, choke, choke~

As you know I’ve been having this stupid phone battle with WS2. When we last talked in late January, I had asked him what he wanted to do for Spring Break. He told me he wanted to go to Galveston so we could go to Schlitterbahn. I told him I would make it happen.

About 3 weeks ago I sent an email to BH to verify pick-up times and dates for WS2’s Spring Break with me.  I kept waiting for a response, but never heard anything. So, again, (a little miffed) I sent him another email asking him to please let me know if the dates and times would work or if we needed to work around an activity of WS2’s. I waited again for a response but NOTHING. Now I’m irritated. It’s getting closer to Spring Break and I don’t even know what days he’ll be with me for sure. I call the house although I’m not sure why since “we don’t answer the home phone”. I called BH’s cell but it went straight to voicemail. I called BH’s work but the extensions had changed and I didn’t want to leave a message with someone else for him to call me. Then, and this will tell you how ticked off I was, I called SM’s cell phone. I got her voicemail saying that she was on vacation until March 8th. So I decided I’d wait until March 8th before making travel plans.

I finally got an email on March 6th from BH. He said that he had just gotten my email because he had been out of town. He also said that he would let WS2 and I make our Spring Break plans together when we talked tomorrow night (that would be my regular Sunday night call). I swear I must be psychic. (I do know that I’m really good at reading people and what they say or DON’T say). I told Moma that I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to come visit. Why else would BH say that? Otherwise he would’ve said that the dates were good or that we needed to move it around a day here and there.

So then I had to wait until Sunday night. (I just HATE having to wait for that kinda stuff! You know when someone says “I want to talk to you  later” and it just drives you insane having to wait for a freakin’ E.TERN.I.TY. to find out what they want to talk about.) Anyway, WS2 did answer my call. So I asked him “hey, what’s the deal for Spring Break?”

And he said (this is the part where parenting can suck goat testicles) that he wasn’t coming. Luckily I was mentally prepared for this since I’m a part-time psychic. He told me about all the plans he had with his friends that week. That left me to make a decision. Do I pull the parenting card out and say “no, you’re coming to visit with me in Galveston LIKE YOU SAID YOU WANTED, and LIKE I’VE ALREADY DRIVEN CROSS COUNTRY FOR” or I could let him stay and do the friend thing. Ugh.

As badly as I want him here with me for Spring Break, I do realize that he’s a teenager and wants to have fun with his friends. I can remember being that age and feeling the same way. So, I’m holding on to the mother card for now. I told him to stay and have fun.

That means this year will be an ADULTS ONLY Spring Break. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but an awesome next-best-thing!

I can’t wait til WS2 has kids of his own…… can you say “karma”???