Dear Diary,

Yet another Sunday has gone by without talking to my younger son, WS2. It just kills me that his father doesn’t have him available to answer the phone at the scheduled time since it’s court ordered.

Can I just say how annoying this is?? Like, one of the most annoying things ever…

I just don’t know what to make of it anymore. I feel that going back to court would be a huge waste of energy, effort, time, and money. It would take a huge emotional toll on WS2, and I certainly don’t want to make things any worse than what I’ve already decided they are. It would definitely send me careening down a hill on my emotional roller coaster too.

And whether I like it or not, I have to face reality. WS2 is old enough to decide if he wants to talk to me or not. But that’s where I get all caught up in my emotional craziness.

My brain lives at Six Flags, dontchaknow.

I still think that WS2 is intimidated or scared to show concern or love for me at his father’s house and it’s just “easier” for him if he doesn’t. (I’m reminded of the 4 times-that I personally know about anyway-that my oldest son, WS1, was told by his father that he was “going to sign him over” to me and “not be his father anymore” because WS1 wasn’t showing him enough love. Hubby and I got to witness the emotional trauma of WS1 feeling like he wasn’t loved by his father. His father, BH, would call him back the next day and say he didn’t mean it, that he was just mad at ME. Umm, yeah.)

On top of that, for some reason I get this gut feeling that something’s not right at their house. I have a feeling that something’s going on between BH and his wife, SM. The last couple of Sunday’s that I’ve called, SM’s cheerful voice isn’t on the voicemail anymore-it’s just a generic greeting. Also, SM loves to send my mother roses for Mother’s Day from the boys. (My mom feels bad that she gets them and I don’t, but I’ve told her that it doesn’t bother me and that I’m glad that she’s getting them. I feel it’s SM’s way of snubbing me.) Anyway, no roses for her this past Mother’s Day. My gut is usually right most of the time, generally speaking. But, THANK GOD it’s been wrong before!! (Right, MIL??!!?)

I’m just. so. tired. of this. Sometimes I think I’d rather hear WS2 just say that he doesn’t want to talk to me-NOT REALLY-but just so I’d know where I stand. Then every Sunday night I wouldn’t be wondering if he’s going to answer or not, and then I wouldn’t be disappointed when he doesn’t.

My next hurdle is scheduling summer visitation.

Wish me luck with that……

Hubby and I just got back to New York after spending 3 ½ months in the Lone Star State. On our road trip back, I started thinking about some of the differences between our two homes.  And since it’s TOP TEN TUESDAY over at Oh Amanda, here goes!

WEATHER. Weather, weather, weather! This is totally obvious, I know, but having lived in both climates I can tell you it’s more than just about being hot or cold.  When I first moved to NY I just knew I was going to freeze to death. Again, obviously that didn’t happen because I’m here to write about it. The cold up north is different than the cold down south. It’s really more tolerable than you think. The key is LAYERS. Layers, layers, layers.

SEASONS are absolutely gorgeous up north. Every single four of ‘em! Winter is beautiful with the ground covered in snow. The spring time is awesome! but then again, spring is awesome almost everywhere, isn’t it?  Summer is the greatest-it’s hot enough to feel like summer, but you don’t always sweat to death and feel like you need another shower when you walk outside. In the fall the leaves turn the most beautiful of colors, the pumpkins are out, and it’s apple season. Down south, you get two seasons-hotter’n hot and not so hot.

FOOD!! The South takes the cake on this one. I love me some southern home cooking! Especially that of my mother, aunts and cousins. EVERYTHING is delicious! Especially my cousin’s German Chocolate Cake, which btw, I crave EVERY SINGLE DAY (hint, hint).  Maybe since I grew up eating southern food I love it more. Northern food is more vinegar-y-ish. That is all.

ACCENTS are a gimme. I never knew/noticed/cared that I have an accent. It has become apparent to me that I do in fact, have an AX-SEANT. I never realized it until I heard George W talking on TV after I had been living in NY and hearing all these yankees who “tawk” funny. Me to Hubby-”Do I sound like that?” Hubby- “ummmm, YEAH.”

PERSONALITES are a big difference too. I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories… It’s not that the yankee folks are rude (although they can come across that way sometimes), it’s just that people in the south take manners and courtesy one step further.

LANDSCAPE  Texas is flat, NY is not. The elevation at our home in Tx is zero, bordering on -1. The elevation at our home in NY is 1330. We call it the “nose bleed section”.  We have the best of both worlds-part time beach, part time mountains.

POLITICS Most New Yorkers are liberal democrat. Example: Hillary Clinton. Most Texans are conservative republican. Example: George “Dubbya”.  And that’s all I have to say about that.

SPORTS  In Texas there’s football, football, and football. There’s also basketball and baseball, but football is king. Especially Friday night high school football. In New York there’s hockey, lacrosse, basketball, football, but baseball is king. Or is it just me and my Yankee self??

SHOPPING  There’s no comparison for shopping for me. Down south I’m next to the 4^th largest city in the nation. You can find anything and everything you would ever want or need. Up north, not so much. The closest city for decent shopping is over an hour away. After that it’s 2 ½ hours to “the city”, which is absolute shopping heaven! After that, it’s 3+ hours to Philly.

NEIGHBORS There’s nothing like having great neighbors. While we’re away in Texas, our neighbor-friends in New York take care of our place and watch it like a hawk. Anything you need, they are right there, ready and willing to help in any way possible. We’re still trying to figure out if they really like us, or if it’s the fact that they like being thanked with beer… hmmmm

It’s Free Therapy Day courtesy of Kmama at The Daily Dribbles !!

The way it works is that you take out all your frustrations on people/things-whatever- that really irritated or ticked you off during the week and then thank them in a very sarcastic way. (I sooo love the sarcastic part!)

Link yourself up and start venting!

-to the styrofoam coffee cup that was full of hot coffee mixed just the way I like it, that buckled under the process of me putting the lid on and spilled all over me, the counter, and the floor RIGHT NEXT TO A NICE ELDERLY COUPLE eating their breakfast- thank you very much! I love scenes!

-to the unseasonably cold weather IN MAY that we’re encountering on our road trip back to New York after having spent a nice warm spring in Texas- thank you very much! Freezing is my favorite!

-to the waitress at dinner the other night who barely noticed we were alive and breathing but paid a ginormous amount of attention to the guy behind us-thank you very much! Hopefully our tip reflected our gratitude!

And to top it all off…

-to my ex who didn’t have my WS2 available for my Sunday night call even though it’s court ordered AND it was Mother’s Day-THANK YOU OH SO FREEEAAAKIN’ MUCH!! You’re waaay too kind!

“Oh nooo!!  Your tire’s all flat and junk.  Oh, did I do that?  Here.  Let me get my cellular out…call you a wrecker… Oh shoot, I got no phone. `Cause I’m a pothole…Soooo…..K bye!”-Geico commercial

Just between you and me, I’m soooo glad that Mother’s Day is over. I love Mother’s Day for my mother. I can “officially”  tell her how much I love her and miss her, what a great mom she is, and that she’s my all time best friend EVER.

But Mother’s Day for me?  Hmmm, not so much.

When you have two teenage boys that live with their very bitter towards me father and stepmother, you really can’t expect too much. But what is considered “too much”?

Since Mother’s Day is on a Sunday and that’s “my night” to call, I was feeling pretty confident that I’d get a sweet “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!” from my younger son-WS2. (I knew better than to expect anything from my older son who’s almost 19 and thinks he doesn’t need a mother in his life right now. If I had heard from him you would’ve heard me scream with joy from the mountain tops. And I do mean that literally.)

I know that some, ok most…, Sundays I don’t get an answer when I call WS2, but I thought maybe, just maybe, since it was Mother’s Day he’d be sure to answer. I called at my usual scheduled time with no answer (but a very generic voicemail-much different that the personal message I usually hear.)  I called again 15 minutes later and again no answer.

Since it was Mother’s Day and he had missed my call, I just thought for sure that he’d call me back and I’d get to hear his sweet voice on my special day.  My phone didn’t ring. In fact, the only sound I heard was the breaking of my heart.

I don’t know the situation at their house, so I don’t know if it was WS2’s choice not to answer or call back, OR if it was arranged so that he wouldn’t hear my call and then be given a list of things to keep him busy right up until bedtime. (I say this because it has happened before-you know the ol’ clean-your-room-tonight-or-you-can’t-play-tomorrow-oops-now-it’s-time-for-bed routine.)

After I picked myself up and put my big girl panties on, I was reminded of a few things:

First, you can’t control or change people. I don’t want to control or change WS2, I just wish he acted differently sometimes. If it wasn’t his choice to talk to me, then I wish he’d stand up and do whatever it takes to get to me.

And, just because you think things should be a certain way in life, doesn’t mean they will actually turn out that way.  I always thought the boys and I would be close. And I never in a million years thought things would turn out the way they have. But they have turned out this way and now I’m having to accept that this is my reality.

And finally, I have so many people who love and care for me.  Knowing that I have their love and support means the world to me.

Keeping these things in mind has helped me feel better now…. at least until next Mother’s Day!